Binibining Ces

In other words, ANYARE? May sinagutan kasi akong test recently tapos ang lumabas eh severely traumatized daw ako kahit na wala namang malalang nangyari nung childhood ko. My instinct is to get to the bottom of this “trauma” thing. Tsaka sakto kasi pumunta kaming Baguio this week, eh yan ang place of healing ko since last year. So binitbit ko tong libro ni Oprah Winfrey na What Happened to You?

Na-realize ko na yung “pagkakaroon ko ng sariling mundo” since childhood ay “dissociation” pala. Healthy naman actually ang partial dissociative states. Para itong “in the zone” o kaya yung “flow state.” It allows us to have intense focus on a specific task. It allows us to be good at being reflective of the past and being imaginative of the future. Nung bata pa tayo around 4-8 years old, madalas tayong nasa trance state. Yung habang naglalaro, nanonood ng tv, nagbabasa, nagdro-drawing, nagmumuni-muni eh wala tayong pakialam sa mundo tapos nakatutok lang tayo sa ginagawa natin kahit na kanina pa tayo tinatawag para kumain. Actually, yung partial dissociative disengagements eh key part naman ng daily life natin.

PERO ETO YUNG PERO! Pero yung same na dissociation eh nagiging dissociative disorder bilang coping mechanism kapag nakaka-experience ang mga bata ng trauma. Madalas tong mangyari when we feel that a threatening situation is unavoidable and inescapable: tulad ng conflict, abuse, neglect. Nung bata pa tayo, wala pa tayong masyadong options for fight or flight. Alangan namang sumagot tayo? Alangan namang manlaban tayo? Alangan naman na maglayas tayo?

Para protektahan ang sarili natin, we disconnect from reality. Para di tayo masyadong masaktan, nag-develop tayo ng sense of detachment.

Ang dami kong na-connect na dots while reading this book. Sana nabasa ko to bago ako nagkaanak. Sabi nila walang manual ang pagiging magulang, pero kung nabasa ko to dati feeling ko mas magiging equipped akong parent.

Pero as I end this week of healing, I was quickly reminded na my struggles may be the source of my greatest strength – even a gift. The capacity to control my dissociative capabilities like mind-wandering and spending my time in my own head is actually my superpower.